There is a particular state to living in waiting mode.
Not completely still, but no longer moving in the way I once did.
I’m not waiting for a specific date or a clear solution. I’m waiting for signs. Signals from my body that might say something about what is possible—and what is not. The difficulty is that these signals are rarely clear. They come in nuances, not answers.
At times, I’ve managed to keep up some training. Gently, without ambition. Just enough to feel my body in motion and to sense a bit of stability. In those periods, I’ve experienced a small surplus of energy—not much, but enough to suggest that something might be building.
Then I start working again.
At first, it often seems manageable. I think I may have found a balance—that my body can tolerate both some activity and some work. But over time, the same pattern repeats itself. The overall load becomes too much. There isn’t enough energy for both.
Training gradually fades away. Fewer sessions. Shorter sessions. Eventually, none at all. It’s not a conscious choice—just the result of energy being used elsewhere. And when training disappears, my body becomes less resilient.
Still, I keep working for a while. Until that, too, becomes too much. My energy level drops—not suddenly, but steadily and quietly. In the end, I find myself back in the same place as before, needing to stop entirely.
Living like this means living with constant uncertainty. I don’t know how much energy I’ll wake up with tomorrow. Some days open up. Others close completely. Planning becomes difficult, and the future feels less defined than it once did.
I’ve had to learn to live more from day to day. Not as a philosophy, but as a necessity. When capacity fluctuates, expectations must fluctuate too. The future can’t be drawn in straight lines—only in cautious steps.
Now I find myself in another phase, trying once again to reintroduce some training. Not as a project, but as an attempt to build something slowly and sustainably. I hope that, over time, it might give me more energy—while knowing that hope is not the same as a guarantee.
This time, I’m trying to give my body more time. Let training, rest, and everyday demands settle before even considering a return to work. Perhaps waiting mode isn’t about passive waiting, but about listening, adjusting, and making small, careful choices.
Perhaps this isn’t just a phase to get through. Perhaps it’s a state where one has to learn to live differently—with more patience, more respect for limits, and less urgency.
If so, waiting mode isn’t about standing outside of life.
It’s about being in it, exactly as it is right now.
💭 “Small steps are still progress — even when no one else sees them.”
✨ “Not every day has to be good — but there is something good in every day.”
- Inner Motivation — When No One Is Applauding
- Indre motivasjon – når ingen klappar
- When Motivation Doesn’t Show Up
- Når motivasjonen ikkje kjem
- Eg er meir enn det eg produserer
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