Reflections on My Journey Back to Work

Once again, I’ve had to throw in the towel and stop working. The first time, I tried returning carefully, working 20%—all of it on one day per week. At first, it worked. I felt a sense of achievement, a bit of hope, maybe even the belief that this time I was finally on the right path.

But gradually, I became more and more exhausted. My energy levels slowly declined, little by little. I didn’t really want to see it—or maybe I couldn’t. I kept pushing for longer than I should have. Eventually, there was nothing left to give, and I had to admit what my body had been telling me for a while.

I had to stop. Again.

After that, I spent around five months completely out of work before I gathered the strength and courage to try once more. This time, I lowered the bar even further—20% spread over two half-days. It felt wiser. Gentler. More realistic.

And once again, it worked—for a while.

But after about five months on this arrangement, I now find myself in exactly the same place as the last time I had to stop. My energy has slowly drained away, day by day, week by week. The same pattern. The same ending.

It’s hard to accept. Especially knowing that two years have now passed since I became ill. According to the plan I once made, I should have been fully back at work long ago. I had hoped—perhaps expected—to be much further along by now.

Having to stop again is deeply disappointing. It affects how I see myself, how I trust my body, and how I think about the future. At the same time, I know this isn’t about a lack of willpower or effort. It’s about limits that I still can’t push past.

Still, I can’t give up hope. Stopping doesn’t mean the road has ended. It simply means my body needs more time than I ever imagined—perhaps much more. Right now, it’s about making space for both disappointment and hope, letting them exist side by side.

I just have to give it a little more time. And hope for the best.

💭 “Small steps are still progress — even when no one else sees them.”
✨ “Not every day has to be good — but there is something good in every day.”

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